


The Last Time I Saw You

by Marauder_Emaelyn



Series: The End of The War [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a sad ending, I don't know how to do tags, Remus has anxiety, sad fic, touch averse remus, wizarding war, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:02:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25541032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marauder_Emaelyn/pseuds/Marauder_Emaelyn
Summary: While the war is tearing holes in trust and putting a strain on friendships, it's only natural for arguments to happen.The confessions that come from arguing are less natural and expected.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: The End of The War [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1957603
Comments: 13
Kudos: 18





	The Last Time I Saw You

**Author's Note:**

> So, here you go, Felix and Elli...  
> Sorry-
> 
> TW: Referenced suicidal thoughts, kinda? and just. A lot of repressed feelings and anxiety here. It also. Doesn't have a happy ending. Just a warning for you.  
> You've been warned.

“Why do you never listen?”

“You’re the one who doesn’t listen, Sirius!” Remus turned back around in the doorway to their kitchen, looking at Sirius. “I’ve listened to all of it! Which part was I not paying attention to for the last  _ decade _ ? The fact that Reg started ignoring you? The letters from home? The way every girl you dated was boring, and just couldn’t hold your attention? The fact that you were bored and lonely every single time James had quidditch practice? The fact that your mum was awful? How about that you felt worried and alone and left out when James and Lily started dating? Or do you mean about the bloody war that we’re in the middle of right now? Are you upset that I haven’t sat down to listen to every single last mission you’ve gone on and how close a call it was and how worried you were and how you were  _ this close _ to not coming back? Because that isn’t fair.”

“You-”

“No, it’s my turn to talk.” Remus’ voice dropped to a deadly calm, and Sirius shut his mouth. “I have been listening to everything that goes wrong in your little world since I was twelve. I’m sorry that this time I have too much on my plate to think about all of your issues and concerns. I know, it’s not fun, but I can’t take you telling me about how close my best mates were to dying constantly!”

“If you would just tell me-”  
“Tell you what, Sirius?” Remus sighed, rubbing his hand across his face. “Tell you about where I go? Tell you about the missions you already know more about than you’re supposed to? Tell you-”

Tell me what the hell I’m supposed to do!” Sirius spat out, exasperated. “It’s not like you’ve given me a single bloody clue as to what’s going on with you, you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t let me try to help, so what the hell do you expect me to do?”

“You could start with not trying to fix everything for me!” Sirius scoffed.

“That’s rich, considering you seem to think there’s nothing to fix!”

“There isn’t anything to fix! That’s the point! What do you want me to say? That everything is awful? That some days I feel like there’s no point to anything? That I sometimes hope the wolf just puts me out of my misery? You want to hear that I’m not even sure which side of the war is better? Because fighting for the preservation of wizarding society as it is sure seems like a hell of a bad idea when they’d want me dead if they knew what I was! Or maybe you want me to tell you that I still can’t open windows after dark? That every shadow has pointed ears and glowing eyes? Do you want to hear about the fact that every time I leave for a mission, I’m terrified that I’ll come back and find the flat empty? That one day I’ll come home and find myself all alone? That I’ll be gone for the most crucial moment, and you’ll all die? Is that what you want to hear, Sirius? Can you fix that?”

“I want you to admit that you aren’t okay, yes! Because right now all I see is my best friend falling apart and all I can do is sit here and watch while you claim everything’s fine!”

“Great, so now you can watch while knowing exactly the sort of things that run through my head! Congratulations!”

“It’s better than not knowing!”

“How? How is it better to know that I’m a shitty excuse for a wizard who can’t even decide whether to be a savage wolf or collared puppy doing others’ bidding?”

“Because maybe I want to know what the hell is going on with the man I’m in love with!” Remus froze, and watched as Sirius did the same. He couldn’t process the words.

“What,” Remus said quietly, “What did you just say?” The panic was clear in Sirius’ eyes.

“I- I didn’t-”

“ _ Sirius. _ ”

“I said I’m in love with you.” Remus leaned into the doorframe, trying to keep his balance. Across from him, Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, biting his lip.

“You, you aren’t making any sense,” Remus whispered. Sirius let out an exasperated whine.

“What am I not saying clearly enough?” He asked, staring at Remus with bright eyes. “I love you, Remus, and maybe I have for a long time.” Remus shook his head.

“I don’t understand. Why-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”

“Sirius-”

“No,” Sirius took a step forward, and Remus barely kept from flinching back. “I mean it. You can’t ask me why I would love you. You can’t tell me you’re a monster, that I shouldn’t, that I won’t. They’re all shitty lies you keep telling yourself, and they only make you more terrified. I. Love. You. I know who you are, I’ve known who you are since we were just idiot teens pulling pranks to pass the boredom by. I love you for you. And I’m not changing my mind.”

“Sirius,” Remus whispered. “I- please stop.” Remus watched Sirius’ eyes widen in confusion.

“Stop what, and why?”

“I- don’t. Just. I can’t-” Remus broke off, making a small noise in the back of his throat. His next words were barely a whisper. “This is- this is just too much right now.” Remus turned to leave, but Sirius quickly crossed the last few steps between them, grabbing his arm, Remus couldn’t hide his flinch.

“Please don’t just walk out after that,” Sirius pleaded quietly, tears in his eyes. Remus looked away.

“I-”

“Don’t go. Please.” Remus closed his eyes, trying to control his ragged breathing. Trying to ignore the way his skin prickled under Sirius’ grip.

“I can’t stay,” he whispered. For a moment, everything was quiet.

Remus flinched as he felt Sirius’ lips brush against his cheek softly. He turned his head as a tear ran down his cheek. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that Sirius loved him. It wasn’t fair that he knew now. It wasn’t fair that he had to leave again. It wasn’t fair that he couldn’t  _ tell _ Sirius.

It wasn't’ fair that he didn’t want to tell Sirius. He couldn’t bear the idea of Sirius knowing where he was going.

It wasn’t fair that he loved Sirius back.

“At least come back so we can talk, then,” Sirius whispered, releasing his grip on Remus’ arm as he stepped back. Remus didn’t move for a moment. He didn’t do anything. He couldn’t. He couldn’t stop hearing Sirius’ words on loop.

_ I love you for you. _

_ I’m not changing my mind. _

_ I’m in love with you. _

“Okay,” he finally murmured back in reply. He turned and walked out of the room, unable to keep from shaking. He walked right out the front door, pausing on the front step. He imagined for a moment turning around and walking back inside.

_ I love you, too. _

_ I’ve loved you since I was fourteen. _

_ I’m sorry. _

_ You’ll hate me if I tell you where I’ve been. _

_ I’ll stay. _ He took a deep breath, then swallowed past the sob stuck in his throat.

“I love you,” he whispered to the autumn air. The words felt foreign on his tongue. “I love you. I-I-I’ll be back for your birthday next week. And I love you.” Taking another deep breath, he disapparated from the front step, hoping for a little courage and a lot of luck come Sirius’ twenty second birthday.


End file.
